I Don’t Know What To Say

BEYOND THE BASICS | Chuck Bartlett | St. Louis, Missouri

Over the past year, the congregation that I am a member of has been plagued with a number of tragedies. I couldn’t help but think of Romans 12:15, where it reads, “weep with those that weep.” When we hear sad news, we face the dilemma of, “I don’t know what to say.” Does the word of God provide any help in this area? The answer is yes. Here are lessons that will help us to know what to do and what not to do. We will do so by looking at Job and his three friends.

Allow People To Grieve

When Job lost his children and his health, the Scriptures say his three friends “…saw that his grief was very great” (Job 2:13). Those who are grieving need to be allowed to do so without people pumping them full of questions and requiring them to satisfy our curiosities. There may be questions on our mind, but there will be plenty of time for that later. As caring people, we need to remember that although we share their sorrow – it is still THEIR sorrow!

Let Your Silence Comfort

In the same verse mentioned in our last point, it also states “…and no one spoke a word to him.” You can say more by saying nothing because your presence speaks volumes. If there is ever a time one needs to apply James 1:19, in being slow to speak, it would be when you are visiting someone who has suffered a great loss.

Let Your Emotions Show

When Job’s friends first saw him, it says, “And when they raised their eyes from afar, and did not recognize him, they lifted their voice and wept” (Job 2:12). The idea that “I want to be strong around them, so I won’t show any emotion” is just plain wrong. If you feel genuine pain for another’s loss, how can you not show that? I am not suggesting that one has to reveal streams of tears. However, when showing sympathy, it will show on one’s face.

Remember The Goal – To Comfort

There was a purpose to Job’s friends getting together and coming to see Job. When they heard the news of all of Job’s calamities, it states, “For they had made an appointment together to come and mourn with him, and to comfort him” (Job 2:11). Some people might feel it is best to ignore those who are hurting – thinking that it is a very private thing, and one should mind one’s own business. The truth is, the sorrow of another is our business. We want to help others get through this trying time. The last thing we need to do is act childish and feel that our kindness isn’t appreciated enough. When that happens, the goal of comforting is gone.

Saying The Wrong Thing Can Be Devastating

All three of Job’s friends eventually started to talk to Job, but what they had to say was wrong. They accused Job of bringing this on himself (Job 4:7; 8:6-7; 11:13-15). At the end of the book, our God put those three men in their place when He stated, “My wrath is aroused against you … for you have not spoken of Me what is right, as My servant Job has” (Job 42:7). Nothing is worse than for those who think they are comforting but are doing more harm than good. A friend of mine who preaches said he heard someone do a funeral and telling the grieving family that he knew exactly how they felt because he had a dog that died. Folks, we need to think carefully about what we say to those who are full of sorrow. Saying nothing is far better than saying the wrong thing.

A Point For The Grieving

Most of this article is dealing with how to be there for those who are hurting. It is important to be reminded that there is no shame in mourning. Job suffered, and his friends were very much aware of it (Job 21:3). Suffering comes in all shapes and sizes. It might come from death, injury, feeling down and alone, or by others bringing affliction upon us, etc.. Whatever it might be, being a silent sufferer can make the situation worse. Brethren are admonished to bear one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2). Bearing each other’s burdens is pretty hard to do when no one reaches out for help. Remember brethren can help. They might offer a shoulder to cry on or some advice. It’s not a sign of weakness to admit you are having a difficult time with something emotionally.

In line with this, keep in mind that brethren are not mind-readers. We might want sympathy and get upset when it doesn’t come because we expected people to know our struggles when there was no way of knowing. If we do not realize the importance of sharing our struggles, then you will add insult to injury by feeling worse for the lack of concern from others when you have such expectations. I know for a fact that when Paul stated that when one member suffers, all the members suffer (1 Corinthians 12:26), it was because it was made known!

Let’s be mindful of our Christian duties in extending sympathy and accepting it.

19.10.01 | GROW magazine