Remarrying After the Death of a Spouse, Part 1
BEYOND THE BASICS | Tom Rainwater | Chittenango, New York
Sonia, my dear wife of 24 years, bravely battled colon cancer for 8 years before it took her life. When we learned the disease was terminal, she urged me to remarry after she died. Sonia said, “After I’m gone, please let go of me and move on. It won’t be good for you to remain alone. I’m serious about this. Remarry because you’ll need someone to encourage you. This is what I want for you.” She informed the family of her wish so they’d support any future decision I might make. After Sonia passed away, I heavily mourned the loss. It was hard to accept that I was no longer married to her. After months of grieving, I felt the time had come to stop feeling sorry for myself and start moving forward. Marriage had been wonderful, and I wanted to nurture such a relationship again. So, as awkward as it was, I began thinking about dating. “But how, as a 54-year old widower, do I navigate such an emotional journey?”
I needed advice. Other widowers offered encouragement, which I appreciated, but I only learned: “if they could happily remarry, then I could, too.” Still, I lacked substantive counsel. My Bible study about grief helped, but I didn’t see much practical scripture about remarriage other than to marry “only in the Lord” (1 Corinthians 7:39). I meditated about Sarah’s death (Genesis 23) and Abraham’s subsequent marriage to Keturah (Genesis 25:1). What was it like for Abraham to remarry after so many years with Sarah? What kind of woman was Keturah? To my disappointment, the Bible didn’t answer those questions. I knew God’s word didn’t lack advice; I just didn’t know where to look.
In time, I learned a lot from my experience as a dating widower — things I wish I’d known beforehand. I also learned how to reapply familiar scripture to my new circumstance. Little is written on this topic in the brotherhood, so I hope and pray these articles will be of help to you.
(1) First, consider that you don’t have to remarry.
Certain things may affect your outlook and attitude toward remarriage, such as (a) the quality of your previous marriage, (b) the circumstances of your spouse’s death, (c) your age and financial situation (1 Timothy 5:14), or (d) the maturity of your children. You might decide your past marriage was sufficient for your life and you’re content now to remain alone. This is perfectly fine and normal. Don’t let eager matchmakers pressure you into a new relationship if you don’t want one. The apostle Paul spoke of the single person’s advantage to focus more freely on pleasing the Lord (1 Corinthians 7:32-33). Seriously consider this. As time passes, you might be surprised at how much you enjoy your independence, and you may not want to give it up.
(2) Next, ask yourself why you want to remarry.
Independence isn’t for everyone. Life can be happier and more fulfilling when you share it with someone. If you decide remarriage is preferable, you must honestly evaluate the primary reason why. Is it because you think remarriage will end your grief? Sorry, but it won’t. Is it because you fear loneliness? Is it because you miss the physical affection? Is it because remarriage may bring some financial or social advantage? Frankly, these aren’t good reasons. The right perspective is essential: (a) You must deeply and sincerely love each other (as did the Shulamite and her Beloved in the Song of Solomon), and (b) You must remember that marriage includes God. (Matthew 19:6; Proverbs 18:22). The main reason for marriage should be to enter a relationship in which God will be better loved, served, and glorified. This is important! Don’t marry if this goal isn’t going to be mutually pursued.
(3) Only date, court, and marry a strong Christian.
All the Biblical principles about dating and marriage I followed in my twenties applied yet again in my fifties. I needed to find someone of good character among God’s people who was scripturally free to marry. Setting a high moral standard for one’s self and for any potential prospect is how the widow Ruth discovered Boaz. No matter how lonely you feel, never settle for less. Never compromise that noble goal of finding a spouse who truly loves the Lord. Then take the time necessary to discover if a potential prospect is truly a devout follower of Christ and not superficial in faith.
So, as a widower, how do you begin searching? This is not easy. A strong Christian is already a rare find. I ran into this unfortunate reality: the older you are when widowed, the more difficult it is to find someone, because the pool of available Christians is smaller. Thus, you must be willing to work harder in searching. In the end, finding someone may be as simple as reconnecting with an old friend, or meeting someone new online, or allowing trusted friends to help you search. The best advice is to go where God’s people are, and leave the rest to God. That was key to Abraham’s finding a suitable bride for his son Isaac.
In your search, you may discover that the best prospects live far away. Thus, you must be willing to travel (or allow someone to travel to you). When I began dating, I drove or flew many miles in order to pursue relationships. I built up frequent flyer miles between New York and Oregon courting Lanna, the one who became my new bride. The bottom line: In order to make a circumstance like this work, you have to be capable of maintaining a long-distance relationship. The time of separation between visits can be difficult. Not everyone can do this. Good, healthy, frequent two-way communication (such as phone calls, texts, online chatting, and FaceTime) is essential to keep the relationship growing. Thoughtful, kind, fun, spiritual conversation is a joy and easily the brightest part of one’s day. It makes the heart grow fonder. This type of meaningful communication (both in person and while far away) is how you build friendship, trust, respect and honor — things essential for a godly marriage. This way I knew I wanted to marry Lanna, and she happily accepted my proposal. Finally, after the wedding, we’d no longer be separated by several time zones.
(4) Find someone compatible with your personality.
Yes, a mutual faith in Christ is essential for a good marriage. But why marry someone with whom you have little else in common? Why keep dating someone who has become uninteresting to you, or difficult to get along with? Life will be miserable if mutual respect and admiration are absent from a relationship, or if one feels intimidated by the other. Allow for more time dating so you can discover if your personalities really match. A good measurement: Are you becoming each other’s best friend? (Song of Solomon 5:16). I have a wooden sign on my nightstand that says, “Happiness is marrying your best friend.” That is very true!
Find out what the other person wants married life to be like. For example, one couple had an active marriage, going out frequently and doing things together. After he died, she remarried a man who preferred a sedentary lifestyle, staying home and watching TV all hours. For her, this was an unexpected and difficult change. He was not so much a match as she thought he was.
Married life should be enjoyable and adventurous. The bottom line: Take your time in finding a compatible spouse. How exciting to finally find that special one who is your match in so many ways!
(5) Have patience with the process.
As a widower, don’t expect your dating and courting experience to be the same as before. For me, both experiences unfolded very differently. Remember you carry with you the wisdom, experience, and memories from the first marriage. That is a positive. Let that maturity guide you in knowing better how to honor a potential spouse.
If you wish to remarry, there’s no guarantee you’ll find someone. Even if you do, it may take awhile. The process can be heartbreaking and discouraging. Don’t let it negatively affect your faith. Make sure you’ve first learned how to be content in your circumstance. In the meantime, always pray and remain strong in the Lord. Have assurance that God will take care of you no matter how the future unfolds. “Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have. For He Himself has said, ‘I will never leave you nor forsake you.’” (Hebrews 13:5).
(In part 2 of this series, I’ll explore these questions: How do you know if you’re really ready for a new relationship? What special qualities are needed in someone willing to marry a widower? What is required of the widower to help make a second marriage work?)
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April 2021 | GROW magazine
