The Grief of Losing a Loved One (Part 1)

BEYOND THE BASICS | Tom Rainwater | Chittenango, New York
(Click here to go to The Grief of Losing a Loved One, Part 2)

Death is universal. If you’re married, one of you will die before the other. Time and death will take away your spouse, your parents, your siblings, your best friends – one at a time. A child or grandchild may pass before you. When a loved one leaves this life, the loss you feel will be profound. Your emotions will go into overdrive while your mind struggles with how to deal with it. Grief becomes a way of life for a while. Know that this experience is common to all people. The struggle with grief is as universal as death.

However, grief is not an enemy. It’s part of the healing process, albeit a long one. Grief, no matter how strong, is not abnormal. It’s a natural response to pain and loss. So never feel like you’re alone, or that something is wrong with you. To mourn is to be human. As long as you’re on this earth, you will suffer many occasions of mourning, some of them intense.

Job, who lost so much at once, described grief in this way: “I am not at ease, nor am I quiet, and I am not at rest, but turmoil comes” (3:26, NASB). In other words, his mind was incapable of relaxing and being at peace. He became insecure, unsettled, agitated, and shaken on the inside. Turmoil had made an entryway into his life, like an unwelcome person coming in the front door and staying. I believe Job accurately described the effect of grief on one’s person.

After I lost my dear wife of 24 years to cancer, I began an intense Bible study of grief to learn best how to cope. It was my therapy. I learned a lot from God’s word and from experience. I continue to learn every day. I hope and pray you’ll benefit from what I have to share.

(1) Grief is an emotional experience. Don’t expect it to play out logically.

One misconception is that people must go through specific stages of grief until they finally reach the end. This is not true. Grief is not a linear countdown experience. Why? Because grief is not logical or predictable. It’s a long rollercoaster ride with many sudden highs and lows. So, it doesn’t work to develop a plan for the elimination of grief. For instance, it’s impossible to get all the crying done and out of the way at once. I decided to speak at my wife Sonia’s funeral to honor her life. That was huge in helping me with closure, but it didn’t lessen the grief. Expect that when you lose a loved one, sadness in varying degrees will be there for the long haul.

I believe Job grieved primarily for his dead children. After all, when he’s introduced, his first concern was his children (1:5b). The addition of physical suffering brought Job more misery. When his three friends arrived, they were so disturbed by the severity of Job’s pain that nothing was spoken for seven days and nights (1:12-13). I used to think that was a long time for heavy grieving. I don’t anymore. I know what Job was doing. He was shutting down. When everyone went home after Sonia’s funeral, I went into heavy grieving, sobbing every 20 minutes for a few days. Everything just stopped. I wanted to completely shut down, but I couldn’t because I needed to be strong for my sons and the brethren in the congregation. After all, I wasn’t the only one with problems. But I understand Job. In his case, he didn’t have children left for which to be strong. His wife was alive, but unsupportive and distant, which was worse. He couldn’t lose himself in his work because it was all taken away. Job described grief as weighing him down: “Oh, that my grief were fully weighed, and calamity laid with it on the scales! For then it would be heavier than the sand of the sea…” (6:2-3a, NKJV). Grief feels heavy on one’s heart. At its worst it feels pressing down on you so hard you can’t breathe.

Consider Jacob’s feelings when he thought he had lost Joseph. Forget for a moment Jacob’s faults and his other sons’ deception about what had happened. Look closely at how Jacob felt when he thought Joseph was dead. His world stopped. “Then Jacob tore his clothes, put sackcloth on his waist, and mourned for his son many days. And all his sons and all his daughters arose to comfort him; but he refused to be comforted, and he said, ‘For I shall go down into the grave to my son in mourning.’ Thus his father wept for him” (Genesis 37:34-35). Jacob experienced anguish, misery, lengthy sorrow, and he felt his grief would kill him.

In the examples of Job and Jacob, strong, new emotions took their toll physically. My point is that this is what you can expect grief to be like. Also, it will run its course on its terms. Don’t be dismayed by its strength and unpredictability. This is part of the process.

(2) Grief is love that has no place to go.

When Sonia was dying, I was her caregiver night and day. After she breathed her last and I mournfully took off our wedding rings, I didn’t know what to do. She wasn’t present anymore. Her soul was gone. Her body was taken away. I could no longer hold her. I couldn’t talk to her. I had a lot of love left for her that had nowhere to go.

Frankly, losing a spouse feels like a major amputation. I was used to being “one flesh” with her. Thus, when she died, I felt like half a person. For over 24 years I had defined myself by her presence, by my link to her. That’s who I was. Now I was struggling with how to define myself. I felt empty, lost, and drowning. Losing a child is similar, but different. Many have told me what that’s like: The loss of your flesh and blood is devastating. You’ve loved them from pregnancy or adoption. All the work in raising them, then they’re gone. It’s an unfinished feeling. The future on earth you had in mind for them will not happen. The things you wanted to see them accomplish are unrealized. Their continuing legacy is lost.

The absence of loved ones is profound. Now there’s always an empty place at the table – an empty bed – an empty seat at worship. No more hearing their singing, laughter, or words of love. It’s hard to accept that they’re not ever stepping through the door again.

(3) Strong emotions need a proper outlet. God is that outlet.

I’m not going to pretend that you can prepare for this kind of grief. But what you can do is grow closer to the Lord now, before the worst happens, so that when it does, you’ll know He’s close by your side. Also, recognize that the Lord grieves with you. He cares about your tears. David in Psalm 56:8 describes how God knows our every sorrow: “Put my tears into Your bottle. Are they not in Your book?” Never be ashamed about crying. God is interested in every tear you shed.

I learned through studying the Psalms that I must let out my feelings and emotions to God. It helps tremendously. When those feelings come back to overwhelm us, then we unload again at Heaven’s throne. We must learn to look up instead of down. Trust in God in your circumstances now and in the future. The Psalmist says it best: “Why are you cast down, O my soul? And why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God; For I shall yet praise Him, the help of my countenance and my God” (Psalm 43:5).

The apostle Peter tells us to give God all our hurt: “casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7). Notice what happens when we do that: “and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:7). Also, “Cast your burden on the Lord, and He shall sustain you; He shall never permit the righteous to be moved” (Psalm 55:22). Let’s never forget that our Lord is the One who “heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds” (Psalm 147:3).

(4) Find your support group.

Though God is there for us, we also need people (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10). Loss is too heavy to bear alone. Create close circles of trusted people to whom you may go with your feelings and emotions. Let them know when you need to talk or cry on their shoulder. Share your experiences with those who’ve suffered similar circumstances and survived. Learn from them how to keep moving forward in the Lord and how to embrace His comfort and hope.

Click here to go to The Grief of Losing a Loved One, Part 2
20.10.30 | GROW magazine