The Grief of Losing a Loved One (Part 2)

BEYOND THE BASICS | Tom Rainwater | Chittenango, New York
(Click here to go to The Grief of Losing a Loved One, Part 1)

Maintaining the proper attitude and outlook is crucial during times of grief. When my wife died, I learned I couldn’t allow a broken heart to rule over me and affect my judgment. Bible study taught me the importance of not losing perspective. In particular, I was moved by the examples of God ordering, under unusual circumstances, the suspension of grief.

Ezekiel, Abraham, and the control of grief
In Ezekiel 24:15-27, God told the prophet not to cry over his wife’s passing: “Sigh in silence, make no mourning for the dead; bind your turban on your head, and put your sandals on your feet; do not cover your lips, and do not eat man’s bread of sorrow.” (v.17). Ezekiel did as God commanded and the people noticed, giving him the opportunity to teach more about the imminent fall of Judah. How hard it must have been for Ezekiel to suppress his feelings! His wife was gone and nothing could change that. Her story was written. But there was something greater at stake than Ezekiel’s personal grief: the spiritual condition of the people. It wasn’t time for Ezekiel to take a sorrow break. It was time to preach an urgent message! Judah was given over to idolatry and the people needed to repent!

When loved ones pass, we wonder how we’ll fill the void. But we can’t possibly fill up their old place exactly. So don’t think about filling anything. Think about finding your focus. Find something wholesome to do and be busy about it, like Ezekiel. Find people to love. Be a mentor to someone. Pay extra care to the elderly in the church who need a friend. The more we focus on the Lord and others, the less time we have to feel sorry about ourselves.

When God commanded Abraham to sacrifice his son Isaac (Genesis 22), the patriarch had to suspend grief in order to go forward in obedience. For at least 3 days, Abraham’s faith was tested; then God stopped him: “Do not lay your hand on the lad, or do anything to him; for now I know that you fear God, seeing you have not withheld your son, your only son, from Me.” (v.12). Abraham had passed the test. The application: God must come first over family. He must be obeyed even in the most difficult circumstances.

If, in our grieving, we diminish our service to God or put something else over Him and what He wants, then we must push our grieving aside. These examples teach us that we can do it. Remember, no matter how heavy our grief is, our mourning is not everything. It’s not even the most important thing happening — not even close. Knowing that clears the head, keeps sorrow in check, and heightens our awareness of other people’s needs. We must never shed the role of a servant, even in the worst of times.

Naomi and the bitterness of grief
After her husband and sons died in Moab, Naomi wanted the people of Bethlehem to call her “Mara,” which means “bitter,” “for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me.” (Ruth 1:19-21). The city was excited at her return, but her pessimism likely dampened the occasion. Her early attitude reflects a temptation common to grieving people: the onset of bitterness.

When a sister in Christ lost her husband of 40 years, her widowed friends told her, “Just wait, you‘ll be bitter!” She answered, “Why? I don’t want to be. Bitterness is a choice. No, I choose to be thankful to the Lord for the wonderful times I had with my husband.” She was right! You can choose thankfulness now and always, cherishing the good memories and letting go of the bad. Unfortunately, I can easily access the emotions I felt at watching my wife suffer and die from cancer. But what good does that do? She wouldn’t want me to do that! Why choose to drown myself in sadness? We must avoid negative thoughts and destructive emotions like bitterness and anger. Instead, let’s bask in the joy of happy memories. In Naomi’s case, she made new happy memories through Ruth, Boaz, and her new grandchild, Obed. (4:14-17).

David and the relief of grief
King David suffered various intensities of grief. When his son Absalom rebelled and died, David became inconsolable. (2Samuel 18:33; 19:4). His ungodly son was forever lost, thus causing a grief not easily relieved. We experience this pain when loved ones die outside of Christ. In contrast, when David’s infant son died, David ceased the usual acts of sorrow. (2Samuel 12:15-20). His servants thought this odd. David answered: “…now he is dead; why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me.” (v.23). David knew his infant son was now safe in God’s care, and he could see him again after his own death. In this instance, David’s grief found relief in hope. So can ours. Yes, we miss our dear ones who’ve died in the Lord, but the anticipation of an eternal reunion cheers our hearts and keeps us moving forward. Nothing comforts and motivates better than hope.

Jesus and the solution to grief
All anxiety about death is lifted in Christ. The Thessalonians shouldn’t have worried about their brethren who passed (1Thess.4:13-18). Mary and Martha didn’t need to grieve so heavily at their brother’s death. Why? Jesus is in control. He said, “I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in Me, though he may die, he shall live.” (John 11:25). Death is only temporary. Resurrection defeats it and thus overcomes all our grief forever: “…there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying, and there shall be no pain…” (Revelation 21:4-5). “Thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ!” (1Corinthians 15:57). Amen!

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January 2021 | GROW magazine